Wish I read this 15 years ago. I did this with many people but always felt guilty. I have moved through that now and see that I was saving myself. Your note that positive mindset cannot grow in a negative environment is right on. Thanks Mitch for being a truth teller. Keep up the great work for the greater good.
Thank you for this. Much f our culture tells us we should forgive or try to work things out, especially with family.
I had to cut off contact with my mother who is/was cruel, cruel, cruel. I don't know why, but I was always her target, even after I grew up, got married and had a life of my own. The last time I spoke to her, 15 years ago when I was 35, I realized how tired I was of being her punching bag and that I would never let any other person treat me like that. It was a real relief when I made the decision to not continue our relationship.
This article resonates with a vengeance. A few years ago, I broke off a friendship with someone I had long considered my best friend — a narcissistic presence that drained far more than he gave. It was painful, but one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
What surprised me most was how the breakup forced me to recognize the ways I had mirrored him. That awareness became the start of some of the most important inner work I’ve done.
yes, yes, and yes: the mirror. always the mirror. and as Mitch references via Douglas' 4 more years imprisoned in the situation, the internal work is gold. But what I've gleaned this morning is the external proclamation and daring also gold.
Absolutely — you said it beautifully: the mirror and the proclamation. Inner clarity is one kind of power… but naming the truth out loud, daring to act on it... that’s alchemy.
That moment when the internal work meets external defiance? That’s when the old story breaks.
Yes, they will often deny they meant harm by overstepping a boundary, "forgetting" something important, or a backhanded compliment. But the body knows when it feels safe or threatened, and often our minds override that feedback. Maybe because we don't want to believe it.
It's socially more difficult to confront the reality of their cruelty and create distance than it is to "take the high road" and ignore the abuse — people will try to guilt trip you for having boundaries, especially if the person is a relative.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Discomfort is why nobody wants to discuss cruelty, I suppose. Sitting with discomfort is so important.
Mitch, your "Swears" have become such a vital part of my daily DCA ritual—a gentle, fierce reminder that I can "live my own life as strongly and joyously as possible." Rather than forcing myself to walk away from cruelty through boundary, I found that by reciting your "Swears," my sovereignty naturally rose up to create gardens of distance. The cruelty simply disappeared, both outside and within.
Thank you for being a lighthouse for those of us learning to navigate our own shores. Your words are a compass, a tether, a flame.
With deep gratitude for the ways you help us all rise,
Thanks Mitch. The same certainly applies to toxic work environments. I spent over a decade in a stressful job at the expense of my mental health. I still remember the last train journey home from there as one of the most serene moments of my life.
I pay attention when I hear the same message from 2 sources: Yesterday I was listening to an astrologer breaking down the upcoming opposition of Black Moon Lilith and Eris ~ describing it as the psychological situation depicted in movies like “Single White Female” and “The Talented Mr. Ripley,” a person who undermines and absorbs under the guise of friendship. I had to end my relationship with my older sister a few years ago ~ even though I was consciously aware that her constant criticism was “her problem” it wasn’t until I walked away that I realized how much better I felt, improved self esteem, by removing myself from the situation.
I stayed with a cruel verbal bully for 3 years and it was all you described. A steady wearing down , no place to relax ever. I thought I was bigger than , could lover bigger, could forgive, could empathize their mental health challenge . Finally I realized I simply had to leave - despite COVID lockdown, despite squatters taking over my house (where I would ostensibly go leaving her). I did what you suggested first - mental break . I evicted the squatters and I escaped with my life. I was not right in the head / heart / soul for quite awhile , mind scattered, couldn’t read or focus. a daily patter of verbal abuse is corrosive. In hindsight I might wonder how I let it happen … except I know exactly how I ended up in such a weak place that I was vulnerable to this energy draining… luckily I’ve learned from it all .
Thanks for this missive. I just hung up on a ‘friend’ of 30 years, who has ghosted me on and off for the last 5 years. I hung up on her when I heard the insincere, “I’m sorry you feel that way”. She wasn’t. The effort to continue conversation for more pain and confusion was clear. I sincerely believe there was a period of true friendship. But it is gone. Thanks.
Thank you for writing and sharing this article Mitch. I've been hanging on to a relationship with someone that is cruel. Reading this article helped me make my mind up that it's time to cut ties. The reason I've been hanging on is because I thought I could help this person because they so desperately need it. But after trying for years to help this person nothing has changed. It's time to end it for my own well being. It's time to help myself.
Wish I read this 15 years ago. I did this with many people but always felt guilty. I have moved through that now and see that I was saving myself. Your note that positive mindset cannot grow in a negative environment is right on. Thanks Mitch for being a truth teller. Keep up the great work for the greater good.
Thank you for this. Much f our culture tells us we should forgive or try to work things out, especially with family.
I had to cut off contact with my mother who is/was cruel, cruel, cruel. I don't know why, but I was always her target, even after I grew up, got married and had a life of my own. The last time I spoke to her, 15 years ago when I was 35, I realized how tired I was of being her punching bag and that I would never let any other person treat me like that. It was a real relief when I made the decision to not continue our relationship.
I had this experience with my father, Mandi. People would tell me sometimes, "you'll regret it when he's dead." I didn't. I don't.
You made the right choice, too.
right on -M-
bravo -M-
This article resonates with a vengeance. A few years ago, I broke off a friendship with someone I had long considered my best friend — a narcissistic presence that drained far more than he gave. It was painful, but one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
What surprised me most was how the breakup forced me to recognize the ways I had mirrored him. That awareness became the start of some of the most important inner work I’ve done.
moved to read -M-
yes, yes, and yes: the mirror. always the mirror. and as Mitch references via Douglas' 4 more years imprisoned in the situation, the internal work is gold. But what I've gleaned this morning is the external proclamation and daring also gold.
Absolutely — you said it beautifully: the mirror and the proclamation. Inner clarity is one kind of power… but naming the truth out loud, daring to act on it... that’s alchemy.
That moment when the internal work meets external defiance? That’s when the old story breaks.
Yes, they will often deny they meant harm by overstepping a boundary, "forgetting" something important, or a backhanded compliment. But the body knows when it feels safe or threatened, and often our minds override that feedback. Maybe because we don't want to believe it.
It's socially more difficult to confront the reality of their cruelty and create distance than it is to "take the high road" and ignore the abuse — people will try to guilt trip you for having boundaries, especially if the person is a relative.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Discomfort is why nobody wants to discuss cruelty, I suppose. Sitting with discomfort is so important.
Mitch, your "Swears" have become such a vital part of my daily DCA ritual—a gentle, fierce reminder that I can "live my own life as strongly and joyously as possible." Rather than forcing myself to walk away from cruelty through boundary, I found that by reciting your "Swears," my sovereignty naturally rose up to create gardens of distance. The cruelty simply disappeared, both outside and within.
Thank you for being a lighthouse for those of us learning to navigate our own shores. Your words are a compass, a tether, a flame.
With deep gratitude for the ways you help us all rise,
Rosa 🌹
much love -M-
Resonates deeply. Thank you. And in general thanks for the gentleness and insight with which you write.
Thanks Mitch. The same certainly applies to toxic work environments. I spent over a decade in a stressful job at the expense of my mental health. I still remember the last train journey home from there as one of the most serene moments of my life.
as a practicing psychotherapist of almost 20 years, i can say this is amazing advice!
thank you, my man
I pay attention when I hear the same message from 2 sources: Yesterday I was listening to an astrologer breaking down the upcoming opposition of Black Moon Lilith and Eris ~ describing it as the psychological situation depicted in movies like “Single White Female” and “The Talented Mr. Ripley,” a person who undermines and absorbs under the guise of friendship. I had to end my relationship with my older sister a few years ago ~ even though I was consciously aware that her constant criticism was “her problem” it wasn’t until I walked away that I realized how much better I felt, improved self esteem, by removing myself from the situation.
I stayed with a cruel verbal bully for 3 years and it was all you described. A steady wearing down , no place to relax ever. I thought I was bigger than , could lover bigger, could forgive, could empathize their mental health challenge . Finally I realized I simply had to leave - despite COVID lockdown, despite squatters taking over my house (where I would ostensibly go leaving her). I did what you suggested first - mental break . I evicted the squatters and I escaped with my life. I was not right in the head / heart / soul for quite awhile , mind scattered, couldn’t read or focus. a daily patter of verbal abuse is corrosive. In hindsight I might wonder how I let it happen … except I know exactly how I ended up in such a weak place that I was vulnerable to this energy draining… luckily I’ve learned from it all .
Thank you for the article Mitch.
Deeply thought out and deeply felt, Mitch. Thanks!
Another excellent work, Mitch. You're one of my favorite writers/thinkers. I appreciate your work so much.
Incredibly valuable public service and I haven't even finished reading it yet. On behalf of the universe, thank you.
many thanks -M-
Thanks for this missive. I just hung up on a ‘friend’ of 30 years, who has ghosted me on and off for the last 5 years. I hung up on her when I heard the insincere, “I’m sorry you feel that way”. She wasn’t. The effort to continue conversation for more pain and confusion was clear. I sincerely believe there was a period of true friendship. But it is gone. Thanks.
You did the right thing, Beverly. Bravo.
Thank you for writing and sharing this article Mitch. I've been hanging on to a relationship with someone that is cruel. Reading this article helped me make my mind up that it's time to cut ties. The reason I've been hanging on is because I thought I could help this person because they so desperately need it. But after trying for years to help this person nothing has changed. It's time to end it for my own well being. It's time to help myself.