Avoid Predatory Personalities

How to spot them—and what do to when you do

I want to offer a word of exceedingly—and deceptively—simple advice that success author Napoleon Hill (1883-1970) delivered in a transcribed but undated and unpublished talk: “Avoid persons and circumstances which make you feel inferior.”

This simple remark contains greater dimensions than may at first appear.

One of the toughest lessons I have had to learn in life, and that I am still learning as I write these words, is the prevalence of people who are emotionally predatory. Such people use emotional power plays—almost always with plausible deniability—to keep you unsteady, needful, or confused. Emotional power plays are vampiric. Such moves are the adjunct reality for which the mythical vampire is metaphor. They must be watched for and, when discovered, separated from.

What I am writing took on a greater sense of urgency to me recently. I realized that the predatory personality—and I write this based on no data beyond personal observation—probably composes something like fifty percent of the population.

Shocking as that hypothesis sounds (although less so when perusing social media), it is why our culture abounds with terms like narcissist, bully, crazy maker, abuser, borderline personality, and so on. These terms and others denote the emotional predator, whose aim, sometimes unconsciously—which is of no pragmatic importance in terms of conduct—is to use force over another or derive a sense of power from another’s suffering.

Sometimes this thirst for force arises from a creative, physical, intimate, or financial deficit for which the aggressor compensates by destructive domination. The key thing is not to analyze this dynamic so much as to avoid it.

There exists a subset of this predatory personality, which might be identified under the rubric of parasitical versus creative. This variant appears in people who attach themselves to projects, institutions, or people to receive reflected glory. The thing sought may be reputation, image, opportunity, or money. There is nothing wrong with any of that provided another party authentically contributes to the quality of what is present and thus benefits symbiotically. The danger with the parasitical personality is that months or even years can pass before its nature as a taker versus a contributor becomes clear.

Predatory personalities are often cognitively and emotionally sophisticated. They may sustain periods of friendship and even intimacy for months or years: for as long as the arrangement delivers what they need. Despite the simulation of bonding, however, this person does not experience empathy.

The predatory personality can read emotions—but the only emotions that this persona experiences are his or her own. Hence, such figures often prove insightful, shrewd, and possessed of well-constructed self-justification. They may even conceal their motives from themselves. In George MacDonald Fraser’s ribald novel Flashman (1969), the antihero says: “I have observed, in the course of a dishonest life, that when a rogue is outlining a treacherous plan, he works harder to convince himself more than to move his hearers.”

This dynamic also reveals why people sometimes form business partnerships only to discover years into their effort that their collaborator—someone who is perhaps a godparent to their kids, a personal confidant, or an advice-giver—has skimmed profits or committed fraud. This is sometimes revealed through a single event or gets detected across the arc of a pattern. When the reality comes to light, it creates so great a break with perception that the victim cannot immediately digest it. When digestion eventually occurs, and damage is assessed and mitigated, the betrayal itself may remain partly undigested, perhaps for a lifetime. This is understandable. The feeling that someone you trusted and shared intimacies with could also behave with duplicity may be impossible to fully accept. That is the aftereffect of predatory behavior.

Always remember: the emotional predator recognizes emotions—that is part of what makes him or her effective—but experiences only his or her own emotions. Hence, the person may possess a considerable emotional vocabulary and offer sound insights. But the predator relates only to what he or she goes through. This is why the person cannot see himself as a predator. The anger, sorrow, or need that they feel is their only emotive reality. This fuels a sense of rightness even as the predator acts in ways that may be ruthless. From the predatory perspective, all means are justified and rational.

Because this personality type is so prevalent, it may be, frankly, impossible to wholly avoid. You may find yourself dealing with short or longterm relationships with such figures at work, in families, in education, in the military, and so on. When you detect these relationships, do not blame yourself. But step around them carefully and separate as soon as you are able. This is easier done in institutional settings than in marriages or partnerships, of course, which may present long-term crises to solve.

But you will do better at any sort of relational crisis, and I write this from both success and failure, if you do not blame yourself. I am not a diagnostician. I am a longtime and fitful student on the road of life, and nothing else. From that, I estimate that these personas, as noted, makeup perhaps half of the population. Hence, the issue is not: “why did this happen to me?”—rather, it is likely that it will at some point happen. Growth occurs when you discover it. And when you do, take steps not to allow such abuse to repeat. If you are like me, this may entail several false starts. Again, do not engage in self-blame; just act.

Varieties of Predatory Experience

Emotionally predatory behavior can take so many different forms that it may appear innumerable in variety. But I will list the most prominent patterns, at least in my observation.

Subtle putdowns. Someone routinely drops rhetorical questions—“are you done with your Ph.D. yet?”—intended to subtly detract from your efforts or self-respect. The speaker often frames the statement in a manner that permits plausible denial of any intended offense. This putdown / deniability dynamic is, in fact, one of the giveaways of an emotional predator. If you detect this pattern, do not explain it away. Your awareness is a gift. Use it—and get away.

Insults. Someone references you, or your social circle / group, in a demeaning or diminishing way. For example, the person may not use a derogatory term to your face but will say something historically disparaging about a neighborhood, school, affiliation, or group to which you belong or identify. Again, this behavior harbors plausible denial, the key tool of the predator. In other cases, the party may be cordial in person but will use political or cultural slurs on social media. Predators sometimes conceal or excuse this by pretending victimhood themselves. Personally, I have never met a bully who did not self-identify as a victim, a point to watch for.

Obfuscation. Someone repeatedly allows deadlines to slip, resists specificity about figures or dates, leaves appointments or plans unconfirmed, does not acknowledge timely communications, or adopts a posture of remove at critical moments. Purposeful obscuration keeps you unsteady. It is a powerplay. Reject it.

Ersatz communication. The other party, perhaps upon learning that you are unhappy about something, agrees to talk through the issues, but actually uses drawn-out or murky exchanges as a tactic of exhaustion, manipulation, or information seeking for his or her own purposes. All of the talk, sometimes across hours, produces no change, and presents a drain on your time. As a friend put it: “Some people use communication as a way to block communication.” It is a control ploy.

Reversals. The predatory party seemingly gives in, agrees with you, and vows a change—but summarily breaks his or her word. The person may agree in principle or vow to fix something on “Monday morning”—and never acts on it.

Undelivered gifts or promises. The person offers you some possibility in terms of a job, assignment, or invitation—and then drops it. Exchanges go silent or drift into noncommittal verbiage. This keeps you in a suspended state of wanting. It keeps you at their disposal.

Ghosting. Communication freeze-outs are common to our era but, like all facets of human nature, they predate the digital age. Social technology exacerbates longstanding human crises. Suppose someone initiates a relationship with you—and then drops you. Completely and without explanation. That is the ultimate predatory device. Once upon a time, a photographer shot images of me in a t-shirt (outside on a cold winter day) for her retail website. Without a cross word, she ghosted me and never shared the shots, wasting my time and causing me emotional confusion. When encountering such behavior, be glad, as I eventually was, that you avoided a worse entanglement. Nothing gives greater feelings of false power to the predator—filling a deficit that the person is unable to satisfy through relational or creative means—than attracting a new friend, collaborator, or confidant only to abruptly drop the person, thus creating bewilderment and hurt. Cruelty empowers the predator.

Get Out

When you discover an emotional predator, what step should you take? For one thing, do not confront the person. You will get nowhere. As noted, the predator always possesses, and will unfailingly use, plausible deniability. The confrontation will get turned against you (“you’re too sensitive”; “you’re overreacting”; “that’s not what happened”), and you become prey one more time.

The chief thing is to acknowledge the truth to yourself and deftly but decisively—and permanently—separate. These steps may not occur immediately. There may be ties and bonds that cannot be easily severed. But your inner acknowledgment is critical. Interral conviction possesses momentum of its own. Then, lay plans and silently act on them.

I once prayed for wisdom. Wisdom is experience. I received experience. I write this article from no other place. If what I observe matches your sensibility, use it.

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